Helping For The Right Reasons

Client: Alexia, 28-year-old female in Miami, FL

Presenting Concern: "My brother is sick, and I don’t know how to fix it. He refuses to get help."

Preliminary Diagnosis: Helplessness and an inability to save the people she loves in a system designed to fail. Enabling with good intentions.

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Alexia’s face appears on my screen. We’ve been working together for a few weeks, and now we’re finally uncovering the more profound issues impacting her life.

Her brother has Bipolar Disorder. During manic episodes, he spends recklessly, calls her frantically with new ideas, and starts home improvement projects he can’t finish. When reality catches up, Alexia is the one paying off his credit card bills and listening to his overwhelming ideas. When the depressive episodes hit, she’s the one pounding on his door for hours, only to find him huddled under blankets, surrounded by three different paint colors on unfinished walls.

Their parents died when Alexia was twenty-six, leaving her and her younger brother to navigate adulthood alone. Their inheritance was supposed to offer stability, but her brother has already spent his. Now, when things fall apart, she’s the one who has to fix them.

Today, her phone is buzzing nonstop with messages from her brother—he’s in another manic episode. She struggles to focus on our session before finally silencing her phone. We’re working on setting boundaries, allowing him to experience the natural consequences of his actions while still ensuring his safety. But this is excruciating for her. She feels responsible for his well-being, as though she owes it to their parents to protect him. She can’t bear to watch him suffer. And deep down, she believes she has the answers to all his problems—if only he would listen.

The Shift from Fixing to Serving

I want to help Alexia accept that her brother does not want help right now—at least not the kind she’s offering. Every time she intervenes to “save” him, it may not actually help at all.

Rachel Naomi Remen’s work on fixing, helping, and serving profoundly changed the way I approach support. She writes:

"Fixing and helping create distance between people, but we cannot serve at a distance. We can only serve that to which we are profoundly connected."

This resonates deeply. In my own work and life, I’ve seen how trying to “help” or “fix” someone can create an unintentional power imbalance. Healthcare professionals often fall into this trap, leaving patients feeling unseen. The same dynamic plays out in families.

In Alexia’s case, she sees her brother as sick and herself as well. She believes she has all the answers, and if he would just follow her advice, he would be okay. But he resents her demands and her inability to see him as an autonomous adult. She, in turn, is frustrated by his lack of compliance. This is one of the hardest parts of supporting a loved one with mental illness—balancing their humanity and autonomy with the need to ensure their safety.

Remen writes:

"Serving requires us to know that our humanity is more powerful than our expertise... All that fixing and helping left me wounded in some important and fundamental ways. Only service heals."

The Weight of Responsibility

Some people feel an overwhelming responsibility for others’ emotions and needs. They devote themselves to caring for others while neglecting their own well-being. These individuals are always available, even at their own expense. They’re exhausted, overcommitted, and struggle with boundaries, convinced they can shield their loved ones from pain if they just try hard enough.

So how does someone develop this mindset?

Why We Become Fixers

From an early age, children learn how to secure love, attention, and security. Some discover that being helpful and useful is the surest way to get their needs met. Here are five common reasons people develop a fixation on fixing others:

1. Emotional Loneliness

Children who grow up emotionally lonely will do whatever they can to connect with caregivers. If they learn that prioritizing others’ needs earns them attention, they internalize the belief that their own needs don’t matter. This sets the stage for a lifetime of over-functioning in relationships—giving endlessly while never feeling truly seen or fulfilled. These individuals carry the dual burden of loneliness and responsibility.

2. Parentification

Some adults who feel compelled to “fix” others were forced to take on adult roles as children. Parentified children may have cared for younger siblings or mediated their parents' conflicts. They learned early on that their value lay in being responsible, mature, and self-sufficient. This pattern often continues into adulthood, where they struggle to break free from the role of caretaker.

Parentification exists on a spectrum—some lessons learned through it can be beneficial, like responsibility and caregiving. But without balance, it can be emotionally catastrophic, depriving a child of the care they need.

3. Shame and Self-Doubt

Children who experience shame often suppress their own needs to avoid further rejection. They may come to believe that vulnerability is a weakness and that their only worth lies in what they can do for others. As adults, they feel safer focusing on others’ problems rather than confronting their own pain.

4. Trauma, Abuse, and Neglect

Adults who try to “fix” others are often survivors of childhood trauma. If they grew up with abusive, neglectful, or addicted parents, they may have spent their childhoods trying to “save” their caregivers. This pattern repeats in adulthood, where they unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror their past in an attempt to finally succeed in rescuing someone.

5. Social, Gender, and Cultural Norms

Cultural conditioning plays a significant role in shaping our beliefs about caregiving. Many women, for instance, are taught that self-sacrifice is a virtue. If a mother constantly ignored her own needs for the sake of others, her children might internalize the belief that their worth is tied to their ability to serve.

Take a moment to reflect:

• Did you grow up believing your role was to keep others happy?
• Were your needs acknowledged, or were you expected to suppress them?
• Did you see adults around you constantly sacrificing themselves for others?
• How was asking for help received in your family?

Moving Forward

Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free from the cycle of fixing. Alexia’s journey isn’t about abandoning her brother—it’s about shifting from fixing and helping to serving. True support doesn’t mean rescuing someone from their struggles. It means standing beside them, offering guidance when asked, and honoring their autonomy while maintaining your own boundaries.

The most transformative act we can offer others is to see them as whole, even in their struggles. And in doing so, we allow ourselves to be whole, too.