My Parents Broke Cycles and They Still Messed Up With Us

John is a 30-year-old male. He and his partner have been married for a year, and they’re considering having children. John is terrified.

I’ve been working with John for a few years. Our work has mainly focused on his job stress and navigating his wedding with his family and in-laws. Now that he is thinking about becoming a parent, his childhood and his relationship with his siblings and parents have become the focus. John’s biggest fear is that he will ruin his child’s life.

His parents broke many cycles. They lifted the family out of poverty and stopped using spanking and other forms of physical discipline. They allowed their children to pursue their interests and gave up on the belief that everyone in the family had to follow the same path. John’s parents absolutely tried, and they still made many mistakes. John moved a lot as a child, and his parent’s volatile marriage invaded every aspect of his life. They fought at school events constantly in front of his friends, and one of his parents was always leaving the marriage and the family. John’s parents consistently deny the impact their marriage issues had on their children. In this family, it’s normal to deny, minimize, and make jokes about anything difficult.

John was able to ignore this part of his childhood. His sister was much more involved in the parent’s marital issues and seemed to be deeply impacted by their volatility. John tried to ignore it until it started to impact his relationship with his partner, and now it’s impacting his decision to have children.

No Parent Will Break Every Cycle

No parent will break every cycle, and some cycles are more important to break than others because they are significantly more harmful and damaging. Every parent will hopefully create a better world for their children, and those children will go on to reflect and create a better, more meaningful life for themselves. Additionally, every parent raises their child in a different era and under different circumstances. This means that they will encounter unique challenges and opportunities for growth.

Every child will reflect on their parent’s parenting and find things they want to change or do differently. For some of those children, their parents would have been considered abusive under any circumstances, in any era. For others, their parent’s choices will reflect the time and circumstances that they were parenting under. The ways they choose to parent will be a combination of all their experiences, and the things they chose not to heal will show up in their parenting. And this will happen to every single parent. There is no way John will get out of parenthood without hurting his child or doing something he regrets. His potential children will undoubtedly look back at their father’s parenting and have questions or things they would change. They will also likely have things they love and want to repeat.

The Myth Of The Fully Healed Parent

John feels that he needs to work through and solve everything difficult in his life before he will be ready to have children. Part of him is an empowered adult who understands being a parent is important, challenging work, and it should be taken seriously. Another part of him is a young, wounded child who is so afraid of hurting someone in the ways that he was hurt. The difference between John and his parents is that John hasn’t even had a child, but he is already modeling accountability as a parent. You don’t need to be fully healed to be a good parent. You just need to be willing to grow while you’re in it.

I am working with John to help him understand the value of listening, learning, and repairing. His job as a father is to listen to his child’s unique needs, learn what might be most helpful, how to admit his faults and apologize when things don’t work out. When he accepts that he will mess up, he will find repair much easier and much less shame-inducing. Perfection as a parent is truly impossible, but for many adult children who struggle to maintain a relationship with their parents, perfection is not the goal. They simply want an acknowledgment, an apology, and repair. That is something every parent will always be able to give their child, and it’s never too late to do it.

What Are You Afraid You’ll Repeat?

• What am I afraid I’ll do to my future child?
• Where did I learn that?
• What do I want my future child to feel when they think of me?
• Have I already taken steps to do things differently?
• What’s one thing I wish someone had said or done for me as a child?