How To Change Your Mind About Caregiving Decisions

Last week in our support group, one of our members discussed how changing your mind about caregiving can help manage resentment and caregiving fatigue. Many of you have had moments where you agree to help someone with something, only to realize it’s just absolutely not feasible for you.

Caregiving is hard, and it is rewarding. It will take a toll on your life, and you will have to learn how to integrate this new reality into your life. And, in dysfunctional families, sometimes caregiving comes with abuse, mistreatment, and continued toxicity. You may experience caregiving differently from someone who is taking care of a family member with whom they are close.

You are allowed to change your mind about caregiving decisions as circumstances change and things evolve. If you need to do so, here are some ways you can communicate that:

• “I’ve realized that this isn’t sustainable for me right now. I want to make sure your needs are met, so I am working on finding other ways to get you this help. I care about you and just need this to be sustainable.”
• “I’ve noticed [insert task or issue] is affecting my health. I need to take a step back so that I can take care of myself. I want to help, and I’m realizing that this current setup isn’t healthy for either of us.”
• “After thinking about [task], I realized I can’t give the kind of care you deserve. I want to be honest so we can figure out a better option.”
• “I’m still here and I want to be part of your care, but I need to make some changes. I can help with [specific thing], but I won’t be able to do [specific thing].”
• “Right now, I can’t take this on. I hope you’re able to get the care you need.”

It’s important to note that with some people, you cannot say any of this because the backlash will be too strong. Please use your discretion to decide what is best to share and with whom. Sometimes, no response is the best response.