Help, Family Dysfunction Is Ruining My Life

Erin loves her family, but she deeply resents their impact on her life. On the surface, she appears successful and competent. Yet beneath the facade, her life is like a fragile house of cards that could collapse at any moment.

Erin embodies the role of the Hero in her dysfunctional family, often stepping in as the Peacemaker when things spiral out of control. She sees the good in her family and tries to compensate for the dysfunction in every way possible. She excelled academically, earning straight A’s in school and a PhD. She's married with three children, and she maintains an active social life. To the outside world, Erin is the child who allows her parents to breathe easy, reassuring them with her success: We did a good job. Nothing to worry about here!

However, her three brothers are a different story. One of them struggles with addiction and frequently needs rescuing. When he calls, it’s usually for bail money, help with credit card debt, or to fund yet another doomed business venture. Her younger brother vanishes whenever trouble brews in the family—funerals, emergencies, and disagreements send him running. The eldest brother can do no wrong in their parents' eyes. For every misstep or failure, there’s a strong defense. He’s the Golden Child on a pedestal, and Erin has no idea how he ended up there.

Family dysfunction is exhausting, and it becomes even more debilitating when you’re the only one who seems to recognize it.

Erin is painfully aware of how deep the dysfunction runs, but she’s not ready to change her role. For decades, she’s been the Hero and Peacemaker who makes the family look good and solves problems as they arise. She took on this role because she can’t bear the internal distress when her family appears “bad” or when there’s discord. In those moments, it feels like she could explode—her heart races, she loses sleep, and she becomes obsessed with fixing the issue. She’s internalized the belief that if she looks good, her family is good. If she can resolve conflicts, everything will be okay.

But the truth is, her family dysfunction is ruining her life, and she’s afraid to step out of her role. She worries that the fighting will never end if she stops being the Peacemaker. She fears others will judge her family if she stops working to make them look good. She wonders how her parents will cope without her success to bolster their egos and how her family will survive without her peacemaking.

Erin must come to terms with the fact that she is part of the problem. By playing these roles, she’s preventing her family from recognizing their dysfunction and taking responsibility for their actions. If she wants her parents to stop using her as their poster child, she needs to stop performing for external validation. If she wants everyone to learn how to solve their own problems, she must stop intervening and playing the Peacemaker.

How to Stop Letting Family Dysfunction Rule Your Life

Family dynamics shape much of our emotional world; when those dynamics are unhealthy, it’s easy to feel trapped or suffocated. It’s like trying to find peace in the middle of a storm—no matter how hard you try, the chaos seems to seep into every corner of your life. If you’re stuck in a cycle of family dysfunction, the first step is to identify your role and learn how to break free from the cycle.

1. Protect Your Peace

One of your most powerful tools is the ability to set boundaries. It can be challenging, especially with family, but setting limits isn’t about cutting people off; it’s about protecting your well-being. Imagine your life as a garden. Boundaries are the fences that keep out the things that would trample your flowers. You have every right to decide who and what is allowed into your space.

1. Seek Support

Talking to someone you trust can make a huge difference. Whether it’s a close friend, a mentor, or a therapist, sharing your struggles can help. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in the turmoil that it’s hard to see things clearly. A fresh perspective can help you untangle the knots and find a way forward.

1. Focus on What You Can Control

It’s easy to feel powerless when family dysfunction looms large, but there are parts of your life that you can shape. Focus on those. Whether it’s your work, hobbies, or personal growth, investing energy into things you can control is like planting seeds in that garden. Over time, you’ll see those seeds grow, giving you a sense of purpose and achievement independent of your family situation.

1. Embrace Change, Even If It's Gradual

Change doesn’t happen overnight, and that’s okay. Even small steps forward are progress. If you can make one small change each day—whether it’s setting a boundary, taking time for yourself, or reaching out for support—those changes will add up over time.

1. You Deserve Peace

Above all, remember that you deserve a life that isn’t ruled by chaos and dysfunction. You deserve peace, joy, and the freedom to be your true self. It’s okay to prioritize your happiness, even if it feels difficult or unfamiliar. You’re not just surviving—you’re allowed to thrive.

Sometimes, Family Is Everything…Bad That Ever Happened To You.

Your family members might be the people who harmed you, leaving emotional or physical scars behind. It’s hard to explain how overwhelming it feels when the people who are supposed to love and care for you are the ones who hurt you the most. It’s confusing, devastating, and overwhelming. But you’re not alone in this, and there are steps you can take to find relief and reclaim your life.

When you identify your role in maintaining the dysfunction, you can find ways to prevent it from seeping into your life. You may need to stop answering the phone every time your brother calls with a new crisis, like Erin. Maybe you need to stop trying to protect your family’s image by holding on to all those secrets.

While you can’t erase your childhood or eliminate every bit of dysfunction, adulthood gives you the power to make choices that will ultimately improve the quality of your life.