What to Do When They Refuse to Take Accountability

Emotionally immature people often struggle to take responsibility for their actions, especially when they harm others. This difficulty stems from several common traits associated with emotional immaturity, such as defensiveness, limited self-awareness, fear of shame or criticism, black-and-white thinking, dependency on external validation, and trouble regulating emotions.

If the emotionally immature person in your life refuses to take accountability, you can respond in a few ways. Some of these scripts may cause you to pause and think, “I could never say that to my family member!” and you might be right. Read through these, make them your own, and use what works for you in your specific situation.

Defensiveness: Emotionally immature individuals often perceive accountability as a threat to their self-esteem or sense of worth. Instead of owning their actions, they may become defensive, shift blame, or deflect the conversation to avoid feeling vulnerable.

• "I’m not trying to blame you. I just want us to figure out a way forward that works for both of us."
• "I’m not trying to criticize or attack you. I just want to share how I’m feeling and see if we can find a solution together."
• "I feel like this conversation is getting tense, and I don’t want us to argue. Let’s take a break and come back to it when we’re both feeling calmer."
• "It seems like this is hitting a nerve, and I get that. Maybe we can take a moment to reflect on why this feels so challenging."
• "I want to have a constructive conversation, but if we can’t speak calmly, I think it’s best to pause this discussion until we can."

Limited Self-Awareness: Emotional immaturity is often characterized by a lack of insight into one’s own behavior. They might not fully understand how their actions affect others or may genuinely believe they are not at fault.

• "I can see why you feel that way. Have you thought about how someone else might see this situation?"
• "I wonder if you’ve thought about how this might come across to others. What do you think about that?"
• "I understand this isn’t something you’ve thought about before, but it’s important to me. Can we talk about how we can handle this differently in the future?"
• "I know this might be hard to see right now, and that’s okay. I’m here to talk about it whenever you’re ready."

Fear of Shame or Criticism: Admitting fault can feel overwhelming for emotionally immature people who equate accountability with failure or weakness. They may deny or minimize their role in conflicts to protect themselves from shame.

• "I’m bringing this up because I care about you and want us to work through this together—not because I’m judging you."
• "This is about the situation, not about you as a person. I know you’re doing your best."
• "I can see this is hard for you, and I appreciate you being open to having this conversation."

Black-and-White Thinking: Emotional immaturity often involves rigid thinking, where they see themselves as entirely good or bad. Taking accountability can threaten their ability to see themselves positively, leading to avoidance or denial.

• "Earlier, you mentioned [point that contradicts their black-and-white thinking]."
• "I hear you saying it’s either [option A] or [option B]. Do you think there’s any possibility there’s another explanation?"
• "I understand why you feel that way—it’s a tough situation. But I wonder if there might be more than just those two options. What do you think?"

Dependency on External Validation: Many emotionally immature individuals rely heavily on others for a sense of validation or worth. Taking accountability could risk losing that validation, so they may resist acknowledging mistakes.

• "This isn’t about pointing fingers or assigning blame. I want to work through this together."
• "We all have areas where we can grow, and that doesn’t take away from the great things you’re already doing."
• "This isn’t about comparing anyone—it’s just about finding the best way to fix this for us.”

Difficulty Regulating Emotions: Emotional immaturity can make it hard to process the discomfort of taking responsibility. Rather than managing guilt or regret, they might lash out or withdraw.

• “I want to make sure you’re okay. Is there anything you need right now to make this conversation easier?”
• "I feel like this conversation is getting a little intense, and I want to make sure we’re both able to talk without feeling overwhelmed."
• "I can see that this is really upsetting for you, and I want to understand what’s going on for you."