How To Navigate Sibling Estrangement

Maybe you grew up in the same home. Maybe you have the same genes. Maybe you share one or both parents. Maybe you share thousands of memories. And you still can’t find a way to make it work.

Siblings are supposed to be close. Siblings are supposed to take care of each other. Siblings are supposed to sit around the table laughing and reminiscing every holiday. And you still can’t find a way to make it work.

In childhood, we typically spend more time with our siblings than anyone else. In adulthood, we may be left wondering: what is my responsibility to a person that I’m related to, but can’t seem to connect with?

Sibling Abuse Happens

What begins as sibling rivalry can escalate into sibling abuse when siblings don’t learn how to resolve conflict or go unsupervised for periods of time. There is solid evidence that being hurt (emotionally or physically) by a sibling has consequences and can be traumatic. Sibling abuse may come in the form of an older sibling “punishing” the younger sibling. Sometimes the child is mimicking a parent and their usual forms of discipline. Or a child simply takes it too far because they are larger, stronger, or lack impulse control.

Sibling abuse is often written off as “jealousy,” “rivalry,” or just “messing around.” Unfortunately, we know that many people are deeply impacted by the abuse they endured within sibling relationships. The child who is acting as the disciplinarian is also negatively impacted.

Sibling abuse has been shown to result in depression, anxiety, problems at school, or even self-harm. The sibling who is initiating the abusive behavior may also start engaging in this behavior in other relationships at school or with peers.

One of the most damaging impacts on the child who is being abused is when the parent doesn’t believe them or doesn’t step in. This is usually what we focus on in therapy. In my experience, the child who was bullied wanted to be protected. The child who was doing the bullying also wanted some help.

Not all sibling rivalries end in childhood either. Some only seem to intensify with age. Parental favoritism is a well-researched source of adult sibling rivalry. Adult sibling relationships are often strained because of how each child feels they’re being treated by their parents. We know that being treated differently by a parent is one of the most consistent predictors of sibling rivalry. This is true whether the differential treatment is real or perceived.

If you had a negative or abusive experience with a sibling growing up, it’s quite normal for it to impact you and stick with you. As you age, you still remember how you felt as kids. If this is something you want to work on, you can begin by working through your story and validating what you experienced as a child or an adult. This is possible even if your parent or sibling does not agree with your experience. And, just like any other situation where abuse has occurred, if you cannot safely have a relationship with a sibling it is ok to end it. This is what adulthood is about: choice. In childhood, you were likely physically suck with your siblings. In adulthood you have options.

Emotional Maturity Varies Among Siblings

Because we grew up in the same home, we expect our siblings to have the same level of emotional maturity. Unfortunately, we can grow up with the same parents, in the same home, and end up with very different levels of emotional maturity as adults. This may be due to personality, temperament, exposure, self-exploration in adulthood (therapy, reading, exposure to new people), addiction or mental health issues, and different experiences during childhood. We know that multiple siblings can grow up in the same home, with the same parents, and have wildly different childhoods and completely different outcomes as adults.

When we expect our siblings to always have the same emotional maturity in adulthood, we often end up disappointed. You may craft the perfect email in the hopes that they will respond with, “you’re so right! I would love to start over and have a relationship.” But instead, you’re met with something like, “you’re such a liar. I want nothing to do with you.”

Sometimes it is literally impossible to move forward and have a relationship with your sibling in adulthood because, no matter what you try, they’re not willing to repair or have a conversation. This is a difficult type of estrangement because it may feel like there’s no closure or explanation for the rift. If this is your situation, you may have to accept that it takes two willing participants to move forward and repair.

Should I Go No Contact?

So many people ask me if they should cut their sibling out of their life. Each story is unique and it’s absolutely impossible for me to decide that for someone. But I will give you a few questions that you can ask yourself.

• Have you attempted to fix the issue between you and your sibling? How did that go?
• Does your sibling have the capacity to discuss the issue with you and are they willing?
• How does your life feel with your sibling in it?
• What do you think would improve if you did not have contact with your sibling?
• What would you miss if you did not have contact with your sibling?
• Would any other relationships end or change as a result of this estrangement? How would that impact your life?
• What is prompting you to explore going no contact?
• Has your sibling ever made you feel unsafe? Have they ever physically harmed you or someone you love?
• Are there any addiction or mental health conditions that make it difficult or impossible for you to connect?
• Are you worried about your sibling being around your children or other loved ones?
• Have you tried to set any boundaries with your sibling and how did that go?
• If you didn’t go no contact, but took some steps to change your relationship, what would that look like?

When a relationship is rocky, sometimes it seems like the only option is cut off, but boundaries may also be a viable option. I would encourage you to explore how you can set boundaries around your time, physical space, the topics you discuss, how often you see each other, and more. If a relationship is abusive and unsafe, cutoff may be the only option.

Estrangement Impacts The Entire Family

When you decide to cut off a sibling, the entire family will be impacted. It’s likely that some people will support you, while others will have their own opinions, take sides, or beg you to fix the relationship.

If someone pressures you to have a different relationship with a sibling, you’re allowed to say:

• We are working on our relationship on our own.
• Thank you for the feedback, this is between me and my sibling.
• I am not comfortable inviting them to that event.
• I am not comfortable reaching out to them right now.
• If you would like to tell them that you can, I am not going to communicate for you.
• I know you wish our relationship was different and this is just how it is right now.
• I wish our relationship could be closer, but this is where we’re at right now.
• I appreciate you letting us figure this out on our own.

If you take the path of estrangement, you can maintain relationships with other people in the family, but this may require some creativity. I would think about how you will handle holidays, funerals, gatherings, etc. where this person might be in attendance. Your safety is always the priority, even if that upsets some people. You may have to ask yourself if you’re able to be in the same room with them without any issues or if being around your sibling would simply be too difficult or unsafe.