How To Tell Your Parent You Can't Help Them

Many cultural norms insist children should always care for their parents as they age or while their health is declining. In loving, safe families, this often happens without much pressure. Generations want to care for one another, and adult children will jump through hoops to ensure their parents are cared for as they age or experience hardship.

In families with a history of abuse or neglect, adult children are often pressured to care for their family members despite this abuse. Some of this pressure may come internally from the family, and there are intense external social/cultural pressures. If a parent was an adult child’s biggest bully, should they be forced to care for them at the end of their life?

The answer to this question is highly nuanced and depends on your unique situation. There are adult children who care for their parents at the end of their life and find immense healing in this dynamic. Some adults are forced into this position and are routinely re-traumatized by this labor.

If you have decided you cannot help your parent with something physically, financially, or emotionally, here are some ways to tell them respectfully. It’s worth noting you can say these things perfectly, and they still may not be taken well. You can only control how you communicate the message and do so in the most compassionate and respectful way.

• “I know you are having a hard time, and I wish I could help. I cannot loan you money.”
• “I know you’re struggling, and it sounds really hard. I cannot support you through this.”
• “I can help you with groceries this week, but I cannot send you money for other things. I’m not able to help more than I am right now.”
• “I am doing the most that I can right now, and I cannot help out more than this.”
• “Our relationship has been really difficult over the years, and I wish it were different. I cannot put myself back in that situation right now.”
• “I know you need help, and I am not able to help you with that right now.”
• “I can help you with ____. I am not able to give you ____.”