Do Parents Always Know Best?: How To Understand Your Parent's Choices

When you’re a young child, your parents are superheroes. There is seemingly nothing they cannot fix. Even children who grew up in the most horrific situations find themselves in awe of their parents at a young age and seek out ways to appease and model their behavior - for better or worse.

Children become more aware of their parents’ flaws and inabilities as they age. This is a crucial moment in development that occurs as children become teenagers. They must see their parents’ flaws to differentiate themselves and find independence. It’s a painful and necessary process.

This process is extremely difficult for parents and teenagers alike. There is a tension: I want you close, and I need you to grow. In this process, teenagers and adult children may even actively seek out flaws in their parents. They might become overly critical and engage in comparison. Think back to your teenage years; you probably remember becoming acutely aware of and even disturbed by your parents’ flaws and shortcomings. Maybe you started to feel like you were bigger, better, and more equipped than them. Sometimes you’re right, and sometimes you’re wrong.

Growing Up Means (Sometimes) Being Smarter Than Your Parents

Age doesn’t guarantee wisdom and proficiency in all areas of life, as much as we wish it did. There will come a time in life when you need to assess whether your parents are experts on this topic. There are also going to be moments when you need to swallow your pride and accept that your parents have lived longer than you, and they may have learned a thing or two about that thing you’re trying to figure out.

This is the delicate dance of adulthood: figuring out when you need independence and distance from your parents and when you need closeness and deference. Every parent and adult child relationship is different, and this is what makes this so challenging.

A key part of adulthood is integrating your parent’s advice and deciding when it is important to take it or leave it. Let’s work through an example.

A 25-year-old female wants to become a social media influencer. She grew up with social media and has had a lot of success helping friends and a few local brands. The woman goes to her father and announces her new career plan: she is going to open a social media agency and work to grow her TikTok account. Her 65-year-old father says, “What kind of job is that?? You’ll never make it! You should go back to school and become a nurse.”

Should the woman listen to her father? What happens if she listens, and what happens if she doesn’t? Her father is undoubtedly older and has more life experience, but he has never used social media, and he retired from his job as an accountant last year. Does he understand what it takes to become a social media influencer? Does he fully understand the career options and professional landscape in 2024? Probably not. If this man wasn’t her father, would she even consider his advice or expertise?

There are a couple of ways she could handle this:

• Take her father’s advice and give up on her plan. Go back to school and become a nurse.
• Challenge her father and try to convince him why her plan is solid and what she plans to do. Maybe she can persuade him, maybe not.
• Tell her father, “Thanks for the advice,” and continue her plan.

In every family, each decision comes with pros and cons. There are certainly consequences in some families for going against the advice of elders and the status quo. In some families, following a specific career path is a given, and anyone who goes against it will be rejected.

You’re this 25-year-old woman. What would you decide?

Listening To Your Parent’s Advice Requires Trust And Respect

In my experience, when adults trust and respect their parents, they are more likely to consider their advice or suggestions when struggling. You may need to take a moment to consider whether you trust or respect your parents.

• Can you safely explain yourself and your thoughts/decision process to them?
• Can you trust them to have your best interest in mind?
• Do you understand your parent’s life experiences and how they shaped them into who they are today?

When you feel like you can safely explain yourself, your parent has your best interest in mind, and you understand why your parent thinks the way they do, you’re better able to accept their advice and guidance.

If you have a lot of trouble accepting your parent’s advice or suggestions, this may be why:

• You don’t feel seen or heard by them. You’re not sure if they understand you.
• You have a long history of disappointing them or not feeling good enough.
• You do not appreciate or understand the life your parents have created for themselves.

When Your Parent Doesn’t Support Your Decision

Sometimes, a parent will not support your decision because it is a bad idea, and sometimes, they won’t help you because of their biases, a misunderstanding, or some other reason. When your parents don’t immediately support a decision, try to pause and consider what might be happening here. It’s not always because they don’t love or support you.

• Is there something you need to consider?
• Are they equipped to help you make this decision? Do they have expertise in this area, or is there something you may be missing?
• Try to understand their point of view.
• Remember: they probably want you to be safe and happy. They may believe this can only be found on a particular path.

You Are The Adult

You can take your parent’s advice or not. You can defer to them or forge your own path. In the end, you are an adult, and you will have to be accountable for your decisions. Your parents will have to be responsible for how they deliver their advice and react to your choices.

• Set boundaries around unsolicited advice: “I appreciate your concern. I have made my decision.”
• It is your life. You will have to be accountable for the decisions you make.
• Find other support.
• Share your successes if and when you’re ready.

Growing Up Means Admitting When Your Parents Do Know Best

Sometimes, parents know best, and being an adult means admitting when this happens and deferring to their advice. There will be times when you are putting yourself in danger or making an irreparable decision. Your parent may try to step in during this moment to help you, and it makes sense why they would. Unfortunately, there is no exact blueprint for when to listen and when to reject their help. This is the challenging part of adult child-parent relationships.

If you have a parent who abused you, has never treated you well, has made a mess of their own life, and has not earned your respect, you may choose never to ask them for advice or to consider their opinions. And, if you respect your parents and their abilities in certain areas of life, you may choose to ask for their advice and integrate it when appropriate. In the end, it’s always on you to make the decisions and remain accountable for them throughout your life.