Emotional Neglect Is One Of The Main Reasons Adults Are Cutting Off Their Parents

I surveyed over 2,000 adults who are estranged from their parents.

• 77.8% reported emotional abuse in childhood and in adulthood was a contributor to their estrangement.
• 98.6% said their parent is emotionally immature and it has contributed to the estrangement.
• 77.7% reported emotional neglect in childhood and adulthood was a contributor to their estrangement.

Emotional well-being and attunement are some major issues driving estrangement between parents and their adult children.

What Is Childhood Emotional Neglect?

Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) is a critical issue that has gained recognition over the years for its profound impact on emotional well-being. Emotional neglect occurs when a child's emotional needs are consistently ignored or invalidated by their caregivers. This can lead to emotional dysregulation, attachment issues, and feelings of worthlessness.

Historically, the significance of emotional neglect was explored through the works of John Bowlby and Donald Winnicott in the mid-20th century. Bowlby studied the effects of disrupted emotional bonds, while Winnicott emphasized the importance of a caregiver's emotional presence for a child's healthy development.

By the 1980s, emotional neglect was recognized as a form of psychological maltreatment. The Minnesota Mother–Child Interaction Project highlighted the emotional and behavioral difficulties stemming from such neglect, including negative self-esteem and impulsivity. The DSM-IV further acknowledged emotional neglect as a category of child abuse in 1994.

The 2000s saw the term 'Childhood Emotional Neglect' gain widespread recognition, largely thanks to Dr. Jonice Webb's work. CEN is now understood to have lasting consequences, affecting personal relationships and self-worth.

Breaking The Pattern Of Emotional Neglect

Breaking the cycle of emotional neglect involves creating an environment of emotional attunement, where empathy and open communication are prioritized. While it's not necessary to validate every emotion a child feels, it's crucial to listen and allow them to feel safe sharing their feelings.

It’s a significant and brave step for a parent to recognize that they have emotionally neglected their child. Emotional neglect often happens unintentionally. Parents may not have had their own emotional needs met in childhood or may not realize how their actions impact their child.

Here are ten things I would say to a parent in this situation:

1. The fact that you want to make things better shows that you’re already making progress. Everyone makes mistakes, and parenting can be especially challenging, but the willingness to repair is key.

2. It’s never too late to improve your relationship. We can heal from emotional wounds when we experience genuine, consistent emotional care. It’s often more about the quality of connection now than trying to “undo” the past.

3. Reflect on what led to the emotional neglect. Did you experience emotional neglect? Were there external stressors that made it hard to be emotionally present?

4. Acknowledge the neglect without excuses. You might say something like, “I realize that I haven’t always been there for you emotionally, and I’m sorry for the ways that hurt you.”

5. Create space for your child to express their feelings without judgment. Let them know it’s safe to share how this impacted them. This will help rebuild trust.

6. Commit to being emotionally present. Check in on how they are feeling, validate their emotions, and offer support. Emotional neglect often happens when a parent doesn’t recognize their child’s emotions.

7. Healing takes time. Your child may not immediately trust the changes you are making. Stay patient and consistent.

8. Consider seeking professional help. Therapy can provide a safe space for both of you to explore what happened and how to move forward. A therapist can also help you develop the emotional skills needed to heal the relationship.

9. Many parents who emotionally neglect their children do so because they themselves were never taught how to handle emotions or were neglected in their own upbringing. You’re now choosing to break that cycle.

10. As you start to see changes, however small, acknowledge them. Celebrate moments of connection, emotional understanding, and growth.