Dear Adult Child of An Emotionally Immature Parent

Dear Adult Child of An Emotionally Immature Parent,

You’re thinking about having a conversation with your parent about the ways they’ve hurt you. Maybe you’re looking for an apology, maybe you want your relationship to change. Maybe you just want them to know how you feel before you end this relationship. Whatever your motivation is, I want to start by saying how incredibly brave you are for even thinking about having this difficult conversation with your parent. I know this is weighing on you, and it’s admirable that you want to exert the emotional effort it takes to have this conversation. I know that desire is probably rooted in love for yourself and your parent and a hope that things can improve.

When we have an emotionally immature parent, it can be hard to make sense of our feelings, especially when we’ve been taught—directly or indirectly—that our emotions are “too much” or that we shouldn’t be upset by certain things. But here’s the truth: you are allowed to feel hurt. Your feelings come from real experiences, and your emotional responses to those experiences are completely valid.

One of the most challenging parts of addressing hurt with an emotionally immature parent is that they might not have the tools to acknowledge the pain they’ve caused. Their emotional immaturity often means they can’t handle criticism, may act defensively, or might even turn the situation around to make it about their feelings instead of yours. This can leave you feeling confused or doubting yourself. It’s important to recognize that you don’t need their validation to know you’ve been hurt.

Many Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents tell me that they spent weeks or months coming up with a list of the ways they’ve been hurt and evidence to back up those claims. Like a lawyer defending a client, they come to this conversation armed with receipts, screenshots, stories, or recordings. This is the result of a lifetime of being denied, dismissed, and gaslit. This is not how someone in a healthy, reciprocal relationship acts when they’ve been hurt. This feeling that the entire burden of proof is on you and that you need to be ready to defend yourself is a symptom of the unhealthy dynamic.

Even if the examples feel small or subtle, they matter. Emotional wounds don’t always come from big events—they often build up over time from behavior patterns. It could be an offhand comment that stung or a repeated refusal to listen to what you’re going through. It could be their inability to acknowledge your feelings or constantly shifting the focus back onto themselves. These things add up, and they hurt.

Preparing for this conversation means acknowledging your truth. It’s not about convincing them to see things your way or making them change overnight. You may not get the reaction you hope for, and that’s okay. This conversation is about expressing yourself, setting boundaries, and making space for your own healing.

Here are a few things to keep in mind as you prepare:

• Stay grounded in your own truth. You don’t need to have an airtight list of “proof” for why you’re hurt. You can use general examples, your memories, and your feelings.
• Choose a few key moments where you felt invalidated or hurt — these are not just to convince your parent, but to help you focus on what needs to be said.
• Set realistic expectations. Your parent may not be able to give you the empathy or understanding you deserve. Prepare for the possibility that they may not respond in the way you hope, and remind yourself that your healing doesn’t depend on their response.
• Protect your boundaries. If the conversation feels too overwhelming or becomes an attack on you at any point, it’s okay to pause or walk away. You don’t owe them endless explanations.

You are allowed to feel hurt. You are allowed to have boundaries. You are allowed to protect yourself, even if it means keeping your distance from someone who can’t yet meet you where you are. This conversation is just one part of the process, and no matter how it turns out, you are already showing incredible courage by taking this step.

We’re here for you every step of the way at Calling Home. And if you need more support, we would love to see you in one of our Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parent Groups.